A Teacher

When I was a teacher, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night because I was busy worrying about my students. I would be lesson planning in my head, texting my friends - fellow teachers - to talk about what we should do the next day or that week. (Their husbands got used to my late night texts.) Or I would be practicing what I would say to help my kids, (my students) understand a skill better. How could I act it out better for them, writing a jingle or creating a poem, a helpful poster maybe, anything to make it more relatable, to help them make a connection so they will always remember what I taught them. I did this because I loved them. I loved my job.

For 8 years I did that.

And now. I do it for my family.

Now, that I'm a stay at home mom, I am not able to sleep at night because I am busy worrying about my family. I stay up lesson planning in my head, without the help of my friends, because they're busy working. I still practice what I will say to help my kids, (my actual children) understand a skill better. I try and think about how I can act it out better for them, writing a jingle or creating a poem, a helpful poster maybe, anything to make it more relatable, to help them make a connection so they will always remember what I taught them. I do this with all things, not just academics, but spiritual things, life lessons, everything. I do this because I love them. I love my job.

However, there is a big difference from my first job to my second. There is something that I miss and long for desperately. Something that I felt on a regular basis in my first career. Something that made me feel good about myself regularly, as if I was making a positive impact on others. I miss the feeling of being appreciated and accomplished.

The other day I received this text from a dear friend, who just so happened to be one of my teacher friends I'd text with lesson planning late at night years ago. This friend trusted me enough to be her daughter's 2nd and 3rd grade teacher. She trusted me and knew that her daughter would be in good hands, she'd be loved and thought of constantly to help her learn and grow. She sends me these texts from time to time, and every time she does, it melts me.

I know that my job at home is where I'm supposed to be. I know that there is no greater role for me than to be a mother to my 3 children. I know that I am blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom, thanks to my husband. I know that this job is way more challenging than my first role as a teacher, and heart-wrenching, as well. I know that, "No other success can compensate for failure in the home."

But lately, I can't help but feel like I'm failing.

So to my children and husband tonight, I had something planned special for you. I had been thinking about it for weeks, trying to get you excited about a special time in your life and hope to make it an enjoyable memory for you in years to come. But, tonight just didn't work. And I'm sorry.

I'll try again tomorrow. Because I know something from personal experience, a teacher doesn't quit. She's figures out a different way to help her students learn, and that usually comes from late nights without sleep worrying about her kids, lesson planning, thinking of jingles or poems, or possibly even a helpful poster.