The Pain of Mothers Day

In Sunday school today, the teacher asked, "Have any of you felt the power that can come from being in the temple?"

And immediately, my heart ached, especially because it was Mother's Day.

It made me think of a time, where I had really struggled with my Heavenly Father's love for me. A time where I felt abandoned and forgotten. A time where I had contempt for all new mothers. It was a very dark time in my life.

When I was 16, I had received my Patriarchal Blessing that stated I would be an influence for good to many children throughout my life. That I would be a mother and shape the lives of young children.

So I knew, without a doubt, that I would be a mother. I would help raise my own children to know that they are loved my by me, their dad, but most importantly, loved by their Heavenly Father.

But time passed. And passed. And I was not being blessed with the joy that comes from being an actual mother myself. I began to think that I had misinterpreted my special blessing. Especially since my profession worked day in and day out with young children as a 2nd grade teacher.

And as time passed, and passed, I became bitter and angry. I loved my students with all my heart. I put everything into teaching these sweet young spirits academically, but also socially and emotionally. Especially the kids who came from homes that were not the best environment, who needed to feel love from someone in their lives. But I was selfish. I wanted more.

I knew, that my Heavenly Father had abandoned me or was just punishing me for choices I'd made in my past. And then, I was more resentful, bitter, and hurt.

I remember sitting, quietly sobbing in sacrament meeting one year, on Mother's Day feeling angst and envy for all the mothers around me, in there. Ladies who were my friends and kind to me in so many ways, I was so jealous of especially on this day. Being loved, hugged, cherished by their sweet children and I had none.

I went on to teach my Young Women's class that day, and just couldn't get through it. It was about the blessings of the temple. The blessings that I knew were being withheld from me. I was such a mess, that my sweet partner had to take over the lesson. I left church early that day, my Sugar unaware of what my problem was, but I'm sure he had an inkling.

Later that week, my sweet partner called and told me a simple thing. Very straight forward. She said go to the temple and I laughed at her. She didn't falter in her advice, unchanged by my response. That's just how she was.

But I listened.

I listened because I admired this woman so much. She was everything I wanted to be when I grew up. She was a spiritual powerhouse, strong in all things, beautiful inside and out, a loving wife, and an amazing mother.

I also listened because deep down I knew that my Heavenly Father had not really abandoned me, even though I was foolish enough to think that for quite some time.

During that temple session, just a few days after that difficult sacrament meeting, I felt something. I felt it clearly. I felt the power that can only come from attending the temple. I knew from being in there that day, that I would one day be a mother. That my Sugar and I would be parents in some way. And I felt a sense of peace. Overwhelmingly, I felt my Heavenly Father's love.

While at the temple, a sweet older sister walked over to me, recognizing that I was alone and emotional. She said to me, "I felt like I just needed to meet you. And that you needed to meet me. My name is Sister Afton ________." And when she said that, I didn't hear anything further that came from her mouth, even though she chatted with me for a few more minutes. We parted with a hug and went our separate ways.

I knew that my Heavenly Father had sent that sweet sister to comfort me. Just for me. Hearing her name, the name that I knew as a young child I would one day name one of my own girls, my sweet grandmother's name, Afton, was a confirmation of love and blessings to come one day from my Heavenly Father.

I had not been abandoned. I had not been being punished. I was just needing a reminder of patience and faith.

I cried a great deal more after that experience at the temple, as my sweet babes had still not yet come to me right away. But my heart had softened, a bit. And I became more patient and faithful, little by little.

My Sugar has never heard this story and I'm not entirely sure as to why I didn't share this with him back then. I think maybe because he was also struggling with why we weren't having babies yet as well. And talking about it could only make him, us, more melancholy. How foolish I was, and disappointing that I didn't share the peace and power I had felt from attending the temple that day with him.

But today, I am. Just as I share it with you. I remember all to well the pain, sadness, confusion, and envy I felt for years, especially on Mother's Day. And I know that I was, indeed, a lucky one, as there are many great women who have felt and still feel the way I did back then. Wanting desperately to become a mother.

My hope this day, is that you get from my post that Heavenly Father loves you and he won't abandon you. He has a plan for you and we must have patience and faith in Him that all will work out, somehow. That we must remember, "Come what may, and love it."

I'm so thankful for the temple and the peace that can be felt there. I'm thankful for Sister Urie who was an example of motherhood and Christ in all ways, who told me what I needed to hear that day in Young Womens and in an inspired phone call. I'm thankful for my Sugar who was patient and loving, when I was constantly a mess for years.

I'm so beyond thankful for my Heavenly Father who trusted in me & continues to trust me enough to be a mom. So thankful that I get to be called Mom, Mommy, and Momma to my three.

My Afton Joy.

My Jack boy.

And my Jocelyn Claire.

Today, I'm thankful for feelings of pain felt on Mother's Days in the past, as they have made the true jubilation that I feel today on Mother's Day even more special.

Happy Mothers Day to all.