This call came to me over a month ago.
And I've been sitting on it. Festering over it. Talking myself out of it. Crying over it. Depressed about it.
And there was no one I could really talk to about it.
I felt overwhelmed and inadequate. Unqualified and lacking spirituality, emotionally, wholeheartedly.
I was not right for this job.
And I prayed. I prayed for understanding as to why my name was selected. I prayed for comfort. I prayed for guidance. I prayed. And I would feel better. For a time.
And then the doubt, fear, and anxiety would creep in, slowly at times. Sometimes like a wave crashing into me.
It was crazy how fast Satan worked on me during that month.
I reached out to my past Relief Society presidents. Women I love, cherish, and have always admired.
These women are the elite. The best of the best. Women I want to be when I grow up. Ha! (Is it bad that I still think of myself as a young, extremely wise teenager with 3 babes and a cute sugar?)
And they had such comforting words of encouragement and belief in me. Belief that I will be able to help so many in our ward because of my ability to listen to the spirit. They didn't sugar coat anything, because it's a really tough call to hold. But they spoke of the blessings they had while serving, the changes they witnessed in themselves and others, and the love they had for the sisters in their ward while serving. They put me at ease. I felt peace because of their kind words.
And then the night before we were supposed to be officially sustained, that peace was gone. I was not able to sleep. I was back to feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. Unqualified and lacking spirituality, emotionally, wholeheartedly.
We walked into church late, because 9 am church,
come on... it's just impossible for us to be on time no matter what time we seem to set out clocks to.
Just 5 minutes or so late, but late enough to miss opening prayer and song. However, we were right in time for the bishop to release the previous amazing presidency and then read our names aloud.
As he did that, it was weird. I knew he was going to ask me to bear my freaking testimony, and I felt that sweet peace again. The peace I had been praying for all night the night before. I was still super overwhelmed and inadequate. Super unqualified and lacking spirituality, emotionally, wholeheartedly. But, there was a difference. I could feel the support of all of those faces in the room. I could feel their love almost instantly. More importantly, I could feel the love of my Heavenly Father. It was powerful.
I bore my testimony. Not sure of anything at all that I was saying. Expecting it to be a hot mess. But when I asked my Sugar later that night, he said it was the most clear testimony he has heard me share in a long time. (So, that was a nice backwards compliment. Thanks dear.)
The best thing of all from that sacrament meeting came after wards.
I had so many past Relief Society presidents come up and hug me, love me, offer their congratulations and support. They assured me that they too had felt the same things I had, and that it was normal.
(Knowing for as long as I had, was not normal... but the feelings were.)They too had no idea what they were doing, but they learned to really listen to the spirit. They told me to delegate, pray, go to the temple, read my scriptures,
(you know the basic church answers) and do what I am good at... love the sisters of this ward.
A whole month I knew this was coming. Maybe even over a month, now that I really think about it.
And in just 1 week after, I can already see the changes it is making in the lives of my family and myself. I want to be a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and a true example of Jesus Christ's love for us all.
Here is hoping I don't screw this ward up. Good thing I have an amazing presidency that won't let that happen. Beyond thankful for them, this call, the sweet sisters of this ward, and the love and trust my Heavenly Father has for me!
