"FIND THE JOY!"

Yesterday was the first time I had been able to go to Relief Society in over a month. With kids being sick, me being sick, and then helping with "Singing Time" (I was so bad!) in primary, I haven't been able to hear the messages that I've grown quite fond of since being released from primary.

The lesson yesterday was about "FINDING THE JOY IN CHRISTMAS." It can be a stressful time of year, and this year, for us, is on a totally different level of stress then we've EVER dealt with as a family. (It even tops lasts year's holiday season being spent on my couch!)

This lesson was just what I needed. I needed to realign what is really most important for our family this holiday season, but most importantly, I was going to "FIND THE JOY" in everyday this holiday season, and hopefully make this a daily habit for the rest of my life.

But, THEN today happened.

2:00 am - Jocelyn up. Needing food, her poor schedule is ruined.

6:00 - Afton up. Waking me up.

6:30 - Afton pulls Jack off the couch, then kicks him because "He was NOT doing an act of kindness by not listening to you mommy."

6:55 - Afton rolling her eyes at me, screaming at me because she didn't want to be getting ready.

7:00 - Jocelyn up, late, thanks to her 2:00 am feeding, throwing OFF our daily routine, which we so desperately need.

7:15 - Afton angry that we have to have cereal in our hotel room as opposed to walking down to the common area.

7:35 - Afton talking back and rolling eyes again.

7:36 - I snap.

7:37 - Guilt, frustration, guilt, sadness, loss, disappointment, internal struggle, guilt, confusion, inadequacy, guilt - terrible feelings overcome me.

7:45 - remind Afton to get together her Dance bag for her big recital tonight that she's worked so hard for to prepare.

8:00 - "I love you mommy," from Jack.

8:05 - Afton forgot Dance bag, requiring me to go back to hotel to get it.

8:10 - Afton still crying. Jocelyn crying. Me fighting tears.

8:25 - drop off Jack to school, he smiles, he hugs, he loves me still today. Finding JOY!

8:30 - stuck on freeway behind an officer driving 10 miles below the speed limit - no time to be late today because Jocelyn has a Dr. Appointment at 9:20 (complete -literally- complete opposite side of town)

8:42 - say goodbye to Afton and she has a look of sadness, but still never utters a word of regret or remorse for her atrocious behaviour this morning.

8:43 - Me questioning where I have failed at being a parent? How have I done such a poor job? What have I done wrong and how can I rectify it QUICKLY?

9:22 - two minutes late to Dr. appointment - attitude from young soldier - me deep breathing - searching for the JOY!

9:25 - Me filling out Jocelyn's wellness check packet and sadly discovering that there are many learning stages that she is currently lacking.

9:35 - discussing these concerns with the Dr. and she assures me, "Let's just get her checked out and then if there is something wrong, then hey, I (Dr. Saying this) guess I (Dr.) knew what I was doing. And that's always a good thing. (Dr. chuckles to self.)"

9:35 - phone rings - I ignore.

9:39 - Me fighting tears. Me fighting the urge to scream at her lack of bedside manner with a parent, again. Me shocked again at the experience I have when at the Base.

9:41 - phone rings again - I ignore. Still talking with the Dr.

9:55 - scheduling Jocelyn's one year well check and the same attitude soldier girl I dealt with before can't find me in the system, and asks me, "Are you sure you're spelling your last name right?"  Yes, I am sure.

9:56 - Walking to car to begin getting done ALL the things on my list for the day, and I get a text. "AFTON THREW UP. ALL OVER MY CLASSROOM. SHE'S IN THE OFFICE AND THEY'RE TRYING TO REACH YOU!"

9:58 - buying a LARGE Dr. Pepper - ahhh JOY in a cup!

10:00 - Jocelyn screaming because she's hungry, but I need to go get my big girl so she doesn't think I hate her for my reactions to her behavior this morning.

10:50 - Finally get out to pick up Afton, thanks to a large accident of the freeway. She looks terrible. Very pale, very sick. She says with sad eyes, "I love you mommy. I don't think I can dance tonight, and I'm sad." Now I'm sad even more. I cry. Then she cries. Now Jocelyn cries.

10:55 - I have to feed Jocelyn in the car seat while Afton lies on the concrete sidewalk right outside of school because "It feels nice on my skin mommy." Then she throws up again. She got it all into the tiny Ziploc bag (finding JOY), but it was still throw up. I can't do throw up.

11:20 - pick up a gift basket to follow through on my church calling that must be taken care of today/ beautified & delivered, and I'm determined to do it, because I NEED the blessings that come from service.

11:40 - Afton feels a bit better, and says that she can sit down in the post office while I QUICKLY buy stamps. "I have my bag just in case mommy."

12:15 - Finally next in line, self serve line, at the post office to buy stamps and the lady in front of me "Goes Postal" on the machine. Worker helps her, calms her down, and then she's on her way.

12:18 - holiday stamps in hand and I'm not going to be late picking up Jack from Messy Art. Finding the JOY!

12:35 - On our way to our house to grab something quickly, hoping to see the contractors working on rebuilding our house, as this was supposed to start today. As I run in to grab something, I return to have Afton just thrown up ALL over the  back row of the Acadia. All over herself, the booster seat, the cracks of the car, the carpet, the entire interior smells like puke!

12:39 - Afton gets completely naked in our driveway, not our garage because that has our new couches in there waiting to go into our house, once it ever gets finished. I don't want to clean up throw up in the house, so outside it is. I help her navigate through the crowded garage and into the bathroom to shower to clean the throw up out of her hair. Unfortunately, the water has been shut off at house. The contractors had been there in the am, turned it off, and now I have rinse chunks out of my girls hair by pouring a water bottle on her hair out in the grass in the back yard. She's shivering and crying. I'm fighting tears because I don't want to make her feel worst.

12:50 - I throw up as I'm navigating this labyrinth of a booster seat covered in vomit. So many snaps and straps ALL covered. I cried. I screamed. I was searching for the JOY. Searching!

12:53 - Jocelyn screaming bloody murder in car seat because I woke her up with my throwing up sounds then screaming on top of it.

1:00 - leave our HOME to return to the hotel, our new home away from home. I'm going delirious!

This was the most peaceful time of the day. Afton and Jack both took a much needed nap. Grandma Jones showed up to help. I didn't cry or scream.

Two hours later...

3:03 - Afton throws up a little and wants a bubble bath to clean up and relax.

3:07 - Jack wakes up, and now wants a bath because sister is having one.

________________________________________

It's funny. I stopped writing about my "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day," last night at 11:00 because I just knew that it was going to be another rough night. I knew I needed to get as much sleep as I could to recover.

But this morning, when I awoke, I realized that ALL three of my babies had slept through the night. No crying, no throwing up, no sneaking in bed. We ALL got the sleep that we needed.

Then when I went back to finish the "Terrible timeline" of my day yesterday, a lot of it had escaped me.

I remember a few things that haven't yet been mentioned...

I was puked on. (I mentioned that already, but it needs to be recognized.) I was pooped on by two different kids. Thanks Jack for the shart while wiping your bottom. Thanks Jocelyn for a super wiggly diaper change. My sweet sister in law offered to help me, but I refused, since I'm beyond stubborn. I yelled at my sugar via phone call and text, because it was his fault this was all happening. (It's finals week and everything always goes wrong during finals! Irrational behavior on my part, I know. Love you Sugar.) I was able to complete my Relief Society duty. I got to the store since we were all about to starve here, especially Jocelyn without any formula. Grandma Jones saved the day, again. She read to my babies Christmas stories while they were nestled in their beds. We ALL got into bed, said our prayers, sang our favorite church songs, and got our nightly kiss on the forehead.

Looking back, I see now what the JOY of yesterday really was. Even when we have a horrific day, we ultimately still have each other. We still have the love of our Heavenly Father. He knows how much we can handle, and he will be there to help us if we are willing to ask.

I cried. I screamed. I prayed. I searched for the JOY in my day yesterday. I know it was there, even if took a little bit of time, and a good night's sleep, to recognize it.

Finding the JOY in all my days will be my daily goal. It will be tricky some days, but I know it's there.

I hope that you will be able to "Find the JOY" this Christmas season, but most importantly, in all your days of the year.